I love him.
He was gone this weekend and boy did I miss him. He travels for work every couple months, so it's not like we're never apart. But he was off having nothing but fun. And I LOVE it when Danny's relaxed and having fun, so I missed experiencing that.
I'm glad he got to go do what he did though. We can't be everything to each other, you know? Sometimes we need to be with other people and that's ok. It has to be ok. He can't meet all my needs, and I can't meet all of his. God didn't make human relationships to work that way.
Ok, so I am an introvert. Most people associate that word with shyness. Well I am not shy. The real thing with introverts is that you draw your energy from time by yourself, whereas extroverts draw their energy from time with other people.
So I was looking forward to the weekend. I'd have a good 5 hours each day to myself (during Olive's naps and after she went to bed, before I would be ready to go to bed). I discovered a couple things pretty quickly.
First, I'm not THAT much of an introvert. 5 hours? come on, after about 2 hours I was just insanely lonely.
Second, getting energized by time alone and not being able to share that energy with Danny was pretty frustrating for me. Especially because often (especially lately in my pregnant state) I feel like I am not available for him in the ways I like to be.
So in some ways it was a horrible weekend for me and in some ways it was great because of some things I learned about myself. Oh, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. For sure. But only if you're fond of the person in the first place. Which I very much am.
15.6.09
13.6.09
relationships are hard
Tonight I did something that I suck at.
I held my tongue and resisted the urge to be bitchy and manipulative in order to get my way.
I shared my feelings. But I did it from a place of honesty. Not sarcasm or defensiveness.
It was really hard. Because I really really really wanted my way.
But more than that I want to do relationship in a way that promotes growth and honesty and closeness.
Jesus helped me.
I held my tongue and resisted the urge to be bitchy and manipulative in order to get my way.
I shared my feelings. But I did it from a place of honesty. Not sarcasm or defensiveness.
It was really hard. Because I really really really wanted my way.
But more than that I want to do relationship in a way that promotes growth and honesty and closeness.
Jesus helped me.
8.6.09
Not me
I only have 1 today. And maybe sometime before next Monday I will get back to blogging on a more regular basis.
I did NOT cry over french fries today. No way. Not me.
1.6.09
Not me!!!
Love this idea...
This past week I did NOT fall twice on my tile. And I definitely did NOT drop all sorts of explicit language when I fell the 2nd time and my daughter did NOT hear me. No WAY!
I did NOT start laundry and leave it in the washer to soil. I never, ever, ever do that.
I did NOT get overjoyed to find $3 cash in my wallet and I did NOT scrounge for extra change to add to it so I could get a chicken biscuit and coke at Chick-fil-a; because I definitely do NOT have any trouble recovering from a month full of unplanned expenses.
I am NOT currently watching my daughter run around on an air mattress instead of putting her down for a nap, even though she was awake in the middle of the night for two hours and expended unknown amounts of energy swimming this morning.
I am NOT also staring at two picture frames in my living room set out as decorations that have no pictures in them and haven't for months.
Not me!!!
This past week I did NOT fall twice on my tile. And I definitely did NOT drop all sorts of explicit language when I fell the 2nd time and my daughter did NOT hear me. No WAY!
I did NOT start laundry and leave it in the washer to soil. I never, ever, ever do that.
I did NOT get overjoyed to find $3 cash in my wallet and I did NOT scrounge for extra change to add to it so I could get a chicken biscuit and coke at Chick-fil-a; because I definitely do NOT have any trouble recovering from a month full of unplanned expenses.
I am NOT currently watching my daughter run around on an air mattress instead of putting her down for a nap, even though she was awake in the middle of the night for two hours and expended unknown amounts of energy swimming this morning.
I am NOT also staring at two picture frames in my living room set out as decorations that have no pictures in them and haven't for months.
Not me!!!
20.5.09
the valley of death and dying
My Aunt Linda died on Monday. In one sense it was a long time coming as she had been fighting cancer for almost 2 years; and in another sense it happened suddenly because once she had peace in her heart about dying from cancer, she went downhill extremely fast and died less than 2 weeks later.
Death and dying is something that affects every single person, and yet when it happens it is so difficult to wrap our minds around the fact that someone who was once in our lives is no longer there. Just like that.
So as I was watching the slideshow that Danny has made for her funeral tomorrow, I was struck with something. Heaven is so much more than a never ending paradise for us to enjoy for eternity.
I looked at my Aunt Linda's pictures, pictures of her whole life, and thought of everything she experienced. A father who caused emotional damage with his lifestyle, losing her first baby when he was only 7 weeks old, 2 divorces, the list can go on and on.
It seems like from the moment we are born until the moment we die life just takes and takes and wears us down almost inexplicably. People disappoint us. We disappoint ourselves. We pick up baggage along our journey and often never put it back down.
In one of U2's recent songs, Bono describes the world as "shitty". Yeah, I can agree with that.
Jesus told us "In this world, you WILL have trouble." He knew that life takes its toll on us.
There is Good News though. This is good news that I believe with every fiber of my being.
Two sides of it.
One: We don't have to walk the difficult stuff alone. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother to hold our hand. We reach out, He's there. And not just for big stuff like death and dying. For seemingly little stuff too. That soft sound of sandled feet - as Steve Brown so aptly puts it - those feet meet us where we're at, in all our mess and brokenness. Jesus is truly the Savior. Even if I didn't think I was all that "bad" (which I do), I am undeniably broken and helpless and in need of saving.
Two: This goes back to what I realized while watching the slideshow. Revelation chapter 7 talks about how Heaven will be a place of no more tears and pain and all the crap stuff we deal with in this world. But before that it says "He will wipe every tear from their eyes". Now I am not a theologian by any means, and I am not backing up half the things I say with scripture, but this is how I take that verse. Before we can live eternally with no more tears and pain and sorrow and grief, we need some healing. Ultimate healing. I thought about my Aunt Linda and how those wounds and hurts she had experienced in her life were totally healed. I personally don't think that happens this side of Heaven. Yes, we get relief the longer we walk with Jesus because that is the nature of that relationship; but all the wrongs are finally made right when we see Him. And He wipes away our tears with his hands that carry the scars necessary for all of this healing to even be possible. What a beautiful thing.
Death and dying is something that affects every single person, and yet when it happens it is so difficult to wrap our minds around the fact that someone who was once in our lives is no longer there. Just like that.
So as I was watching the slideshow that Danny has made for her funeral tomorrow, I was struck with something. Heaven is so much more than a never ending paradise for us to enjoy for eternity.
I looked at my Aunt Linda's pictures, pictures of her whole life, and thought of everything she experienced. A father who caused emotional damage with his lifestyle, losing her first baby when he was only 7 weeks old, 2 divorces, the list can go on and on.
It seems like from the moment we are born until the moment we die life just takes and takes and wears us down almost inexplicably. People disappoint us. We disappoint ourselves. We pick up baggage along our journey and often never put it back down.
In one of U2's recent songs, Bono describes the world as "shitty". Yeah, I can agree with that.
Jesus told us "In this world, you WILL have trouble." He knew that life takes its toll on us.
There is Good News though. This is good news that I believe with every fiber of my being.
Two sides of it.
One: We don't have to walk the difficult stuff alone. There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother to hold our hand. We reach out, He's there. And not just for big stuff like death and dying. For seemingly little stuff too. That soft sound of sandled feet - as Steve Brown so aptly puts it - those feet meet us where we're at, in all our mess and brokenness. Jesus is truly the Savior. Even if I didn't think I was all that "bad" (which I do), I am undeniably broken and helpless and in need of saving.
Two: This goes back to what I realized while watching the slideshow. Revelation chapter 7 talks about how Heaven will be a place of no more tears and pain and all the crap stuff we deal with in this world. But before that it says "He will wipe every tear from their eyes". Now I am not a theologian by any means, and I am not backing up half the things I say with scripture, but this is how I take that verse. Before we can live eternally with no more tears and pain and sorrow and grief, we need some healing. Ultimate healing. I thought about my Aunt Linda and how those wounds and hurts she had experienced in her life were totally healed. I personally don't think that happens this side of Heaven. Yes, we get relief the longer we walk with Jesus because that is the nature of that relationship; but all the wrongs are finally made right when we see Him. And He wipes away our tears with his hands that carry the scars necessary for all of this healing to even be possible. What a beautiful thing.
14.5.09
One step closer to knowing
Life is messy.
I don't want to be afraid of getting dirty.
What does that look like?
Some days it means having tough conversations and some days it means being quiet.
Some days it means not closing myself off emotionally and other days it means setting new boundaries.
Some days it means fighting hard and other days it means giving in.
Some days it means dancing. And other days it means mourning.
And every day it means facing reality head on. Scared as I may be to walk in reality, it is liberating.
I had some tough realizations this week. But I didn't internalize them and that was a victory. Well, maybe the real victory was that not internalizing them led to deepened relationship. I want this every day, whether it is something huge or something small. I want to walk with my eyes opened. Aware. Alive.
I don't want to be afraid of getting dirty.
What does that look like?
Some days it means having tough conversations and some days it means being quiet.
Some days it means not closing myself off emotionally and other days it means setting new boundaries.
Some days it means fighting hard and other days it means giving in.
Some days it means dancing. And other days it means mourning.
And every day it means facing reality head on. Scared as I may be to walk in reality, it is liberating.
I had some tough realizations this week. But I didn't internalize them and that was a victory. Well, maybe the real victory was that not internalizing them led to deepened relationship. I want this every day, whether it is something huge or something small. I want to walk with my eyes opened. Aware. Alive.
5.5.09
peace.
John 16: 33"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
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