Keep My Eyes Wide Open

I haven't been here in a while, but here I am.

I've been confronted with two things recently. I guess they're related.

1. I have a lot of issues, and I desire in no way to avoid them because of the pain involved in working through them. (that's an ideal, not what always happens)

2. Lots of people choose to wallow in their brokenness, woundedness, pain, etc; instead of seeking healing.

Some elaboration...

1. The year long time of pregnancy and postpartum stage ("4th trimester") gives me an emotional sensitivity I usually lack. Within the last few weeks especially I've had some serious meltdowns. I do love a good cry. But, instead of just excusing my emotions as hormonal, I decided to press into them and figure out what was causing them. What did I find? Lies, hurt, pain, brokenness, etc. Some of it tracing back to my childhood, some of it due to relational disappointments I am feeling right now.

Ouch.

What a blessing though, despite the difficulty of the process. To uncover a lie so you can replace it with truth (not like that's easy by any stretch of the imagination); or to see clearly an area of old pain/woundedness that is manifesting itself in your current relationships so you can pray for healing.

2. I don't judge anyone for wallowing. I don't even think most people know they're wallowing. I've wallowed and still do in some areas that I just can't seem to find the courage to deal with yet. I think the only way to get out of the pit is to be supported by safe people who want to see you move forward because they love you (rather than watch you wallow because you feel safer in your pit); and to have some sort of grasp on the Gospel and its implications for everyday living.

Throughout these few weeks as I've had these realizations, I've asked people to keep me accountable in this area. To be mindful of me, so that I don't miss an opportunity to grow and heal just because it's going to be difficult. I think more relationships would benefit if we would stop letting our friends and family just sit in their pits. It's so hard and messy and you have to be willing to walk the journey with others, because life is just too damn hard to do alone.

Here's some lyrics by Sara Groves that resonate with me when I think about all of this.

Eyes Wide Open

I've got layers of lies that I don't even know about yet

bathroom doors turned billboards
no place left untouched without the mumblin
tell me what I need, tell me what I want
worship the things that we've made with our own hands

in so deep I don't even know it, I don't even know it
rubbing these sticks till the air is thick
no spark no heart no inspiration
tell me what I need, tell me what I want
worship the things that we made
with our own hands

oh I'm gonna find the truth
even if it kills me
oh I gotta get a new view
the only way I know to
oh I gotta keep my eyes wide open
keep my eyes wide open

diggin in the dirt till it hurts
won't come up for air don't care
how long it takes me
I get tired want to just get by can't I get by
but I can't cuz there's a
fire in my bones, fire in my bones
burnin in my bones

oh I'm gonna find the truth
even if it kills me
oh I gotta get a new view
the only way I know to
oh I gotta keep my eyes wide open
keep my eyes wide open

when the lights come up on this town
when the thing goes down wanna be found
when the lights come up on this
when the lights come up on this town
when the thing goes down
wanna be found tryin
when the lights come up
wanna be telling the truth

dig deeper

Life wears on us. It can take a soft heart and make it callous. It can take an open mind and close it. It can take a heart full of love and replace it with bitterness. I'm not here to write about that so much of those transformations are about choice and how we choose to respond. I get that.

I want to write about those times when a moment surprises us, and a soft part of our hearts gets exposed through the hardness. The tendency is to cover it up, ignore it, move on. It hurts to be exposed. The tenderness is almost unbearable if we aren't used to it.

Let it out. Be exposed. Let the tears eat away at some indifference that might have built up over the years. Dig deeper and till the soil of your heart, unafraid of what you may find, or, what may find you.

But, whatever you do, don't run away from whatever it is in you that is tender enough to make you cry. Press into it.

Going for it

I have felt a lot of tension lately. About what I know vs. what I actually do. Mostly related to food.

I started to cook really healthily around the beginning of 2009, but my pregnancy with Darcy put a halt to that. I know you are supposed to eat really healthy when you are pregnant and I really did try, but for the most part anything green makes me want to vomit when I'm pregnant. So I went slack.

Well, I'm not pregnant (hopefully), and there is really no reason why I can't be disciplined when it comes to eating except that I just have to DO IT.

So Danny and I are giving up sugar for a while. I guess I could say I'm doing it for lent, but really I wanted to do it anyway, and I'll use lent if someone asks why in the hell I would ever give up something so wonderful as sugar.

Now, we are still going to eat fruit, breads and pastas (whole grain on the last 2). This is not an all out no sugar of any kind like people do for the first 2 weeks of the Atkins or South Beach diets. But we are cutting out all the things you think of as "sweets". Candies, cokes, cookies and cakes. Oh and Starbucks. :-) It is going to be soooo hard. We are probably going to be grumpy for a few days. Or weeks. But we are going to do it and we are going to do it together. I am excited/nervous/scared.

In our small group this week we talked about how God has given us self-control through his Spirit. I'm not too proud to say that the only way I'm going to succeed at this will be by the grace of God.

Oh yeah, we are also going to start exercising together. We are going to do burst training, which kicks your butt in 12 (yes, twelve) minutes.

I might even be brave and post my weights and measurements and track my progress online. We'll see...

round one, fight!

Danny and I had a great fight today. I mean it was a real winner. I think the best part of it is that the whole thing was in front of my sister, complete with escalated decibels of talking, otherwise known as "yelling". Ok, no, that was not the best part of it (but if it had to be in front of anyone, I would choose her because I know she wasn't judging us at all).

Conflict is healthy...if it's dealt with, if you are willing to examine what the root issue of the conflict is and if you will apologize for all the stupid crap you might say in the first emotional part of the conflict.

So anyway, the best part. The best part was that it is totally and completely resolved. No grudges. No passive aggressive comments the rest of the day. Just peace...because we apologized, talked and were honest with each other.

It's a lot to dig in and resolve stuff sometimes. But it's an understatement to say that it's totally worth it when it means you are preserving and cultivating the best earthly relationship you have.

I'm sorry. This is going to sound self-righteous and rude. But shut up. Stop complaining all the damn time. This is not directed at any one individual (I really try hard not to do that) It is just a general observation that SOOO many people complain ALL the time and are just so negative. Life is hard. I'm not saying we should deny that. You can acknowledge that without whining about it.

Ok, that's all.

The Secret

Sometimes when I sit across from Danny, and he is vulnerable with me and we talk about things, I feel like we are sharing a secret. Nothing we're sharing is actually a real secret, it's just ours.

I have fallen in love with my husband even more recently. His openness to my ideas, to my desires, to my criticisms, to...me.

I don't take it lightly, the love we share. The gift we've been given and that we've carefully cultivated together. It's a big freaking deal.

I have written and erased the rest of this post about 10 times over the last 3 days. I'm at a loss for words. Keep your butterflies, I'll take this old romance that leaves me speechless.

Sara Groves - Fireflies and Songs

I cannot recommend this new album enough. It is mellow, lyrically beautiful and genius and just all around inspiring.

I think the first 10 times I listened to it, I cried at some point.

The reviews describe it better than I can:

"5 Stars: Raw. Pure. Innocent. Soothing. Crisp. Beautiful. Honest. Amazing. Moving. Clear. Intense. An immense flow of emotion comes pouring out of Groves during Fireflies and Songs, resulting in one of the best albums of 2009." -TheChristianManifesto.com

"...Fireflies and Songs celebrates all that's best in relationships as well as the mundanity of life, helps conquer fears, rejoice in triumphs, and encourages our determination to remain on the right path."
-StereoTruth.net